From: Dr. X To: geeks Date: Mon, 22 Aug 94 21:19:36 PDT Subject: Beer Bellies Anonymous >> From: Dan Kegel >> I think my beer belly is a much more significant feature.[...] Wow. This really horrifies me. Back when I was a Sophomore (1987-8) I grew my first and only real beer belly. I was blissfully unaware of this new feature of my anatomy until Dan Kegel pointed it out to me one morning in the Cannes shower. I mean, literally, we were standing there wearing towels and he stuck his arm out and pointed right at my abdomen and said something utterly tactless like, "Man, you sure have a huge beer belly. You are just grossly fat." Then, seeing that I was close to tears he followed up with a lame sort of disclaimer along the lines of, "Well, I can say that about you because every- body else is saying it." Needless to say, I fled back to my room, put on loose clothing, and vowed to banish my beer belly forever. From that day for- wards as I made my way through life's adventures I would from time to time find myself starting to get a small beer belly, and whenever this happened an image of Dan Kegel's cruel and mocking visage would rise up before me and I would once again harken to his words, and Lo! the belly would swiftly recede and be replaced by fresh muscle tissue as I redoubled my excercise regimen. And in time, the bitter resentment -- nay, outright hatred -- that I felt for Dan mellowed somewhat as I began to see the wisdom behind his damning pronouncement. Oh yes, the day dawned when I realized that I had even come to respect him, and that was the day I took down my Dan Kegel Dartboard, my Dan Kegel Punching Bag, and the small gerbils I kept about the house -- all of whom were named "Dan Kegel" until I stepped on them, after which they were named Saint Daniel and buried with full honors in my backyard. I put these things away for good. And I took the firing pins out of my Glock-17s and stored them well away from my Dan Kegel Memorial Firing Range down in my basement where I keep a lifetime's supply of canned food, water and other survival gear against that inevitable day when Dan Kegel assumes leadership of the world and marshals the militia to cleanse the Earth of everyone whose dimensions exceed his by one standard deviation. Oh, I am still convinced that this day will come. It's just that I am no longer afraid for I can see that he is right. He has been right all along. And that is when I became a Vigilante in Dan's service. It's no coinci- dence that, right about this time, people with beer bellies began dis- appearing off the streets of major cities throughout the world. The law enforcement agencies are baffled and would give a lot to know the true identity of the Beer Slayer: the viscious serial killer who likes to trap his chubby victims in a locker room or shower, force several liters of beer down their throats with a funnel, and then eviscerate them and drape their large intestines out on the walls spelling out the letters "D" and "K." Ah, yes, the Beer Slayer. He is I and I am he. With righteous wrath I stalk the parks and gymasia and college campuses of this world, wielding a Coors Partyball in one hand and a sharpened bottle opener in the other, eliminating corpulence wherever I find it. The last words my victims hear are the very words I heard so long ago, and I pronounce them in a squeaky falsetto imitation of Dan Kegel's voice: "Man, that is a huge beer belly. You are just grossly fat. In the name of the All Skinny who sits at the center of the Universe in Pasadena, I sentence you to disembowelment!!!" Yes, for five long years I have served Him and no other. And now I see this, the ultimate betrayal: >> From: Dan Kegel >> I think my beer belly is a much more significant feature.[...] GLEARGGGHHHH!!!! I am coming for you, Dan.