| 10. | You get a threatening note made up of letters out of a magazine with pinking shears, and they’re all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor- sharp rows. |
| 9. | That tell-tale lemon slice in the dog’s water bowl. |
| 8. | On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen- over licorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door. |
| 7. | You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal and saffron demi-glace, with pecan- crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce. |
| 6. | The unmistakeable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom. |
| 5. | You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a swan. |
| 4. | No matter where you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork. |
| 3. | Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying. |
| 2. | You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice. |
| and, the Number 1 Sign You’re Being Stalked by Martha Stewart: | |
| 1. | You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple. |
