Here is the woman’s guide to what a man is really saying:
     
"I’m hungry"
   = I'm hungry
     
"I’m sleepy"
   = I'm sleepy.
     
"I'm tired"
   = I'm tired.
     
"I've gotta pee"
   = Get out of the way.
     
"I've gotta GO"
   = Get out of the way and stay away until it clears
     
"Can I call you sometime?"
   = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
     
"Do you want to go to a movie?"
   = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
     
"Can I take you out to dinner?"
   = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
     
"Can I get your coat?"
   = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
     
"Let me get your door."
   = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
     
"May I have this dance?"
   = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
     
"Nice dress!"
   = Nice cleavage!
     
"You look tense, let me give you a massage."
   = I want to fondle you.
     
"What's wrong?"
   = I don't see why are you making such a big deal out of this.
     
"What's wrong?"
   = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
     
"What's wrong?"
   = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
     
"I'm bored."
   = Do you want to have sex?
     
"I love you."
   = Let's have sex now.
     
"I love you too."
   = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
     
"Good morning."
   = That was great sex......let's have more!
     
"See you later."
   = That was great sex......let's have more!
     
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair."
   = I liked it better before.
     
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair."
   = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
     
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair."
   = For $50 they should have GIVEN you hair!
     
"Let's talk."
   = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe
     then you'd like to have sex with me.
     
"Will you marry me?"
   = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
     
"Will you marry me?"
   = I might as well get tax benefits for going through these "talks"

"Will you marry me?"
   = Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there
      is no more peanut butter
 
"It's a guy thing"
   = There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance
      at all of making it logical

Can I help with dinner? 
   = Why isn't it already on the table?

"I'm going fishing"
   = I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick
     in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety

"Let's take your car"
   = Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas

"Woman driver"
   = Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a 
      better driving record than me

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen"
   = As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black,
     turquoise or any other color

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear"
   = Absolutely nothing.  It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea"
   = It'll never work.  And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating

"Have you lost weight?"
   = I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill

"My wife doesn't understand me"
   = She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them

"It would take too long to explain"
   = I have no idea how it works

"I'm getting more exercise lately"
   = The batteries in the remote are dead

"I got a lot done"
   = I found ’Waldo’ in almost every picture

"We’re going to be late"
   = Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac

"Hey, I've read all the classics"
   = I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972

"You cook just like my mother used to"
   = She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too

"I was listening to you.  It's just that I have things on my mind"
   = I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard"
   = I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner

"That's interesting, dear"
   = Are you still talking?

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love"
   = I forgot our anniversary again

"You expect too much of me"
   = You want me to stay awake

"It's a really good movie"
   = It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear

"That's women's work"
   = It's difficult, dirty, and thankless

"Go ask your mother"
   = I am incapable of making a decision

"You know how bad my memory is"
   = I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever
      kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned,
      but I forgot your birthday

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses"
   = The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe

"Football is a man's game"
   = Women are generally too smart to play it

"Oh, don't fuss.  I just cut myself, it's no big deal"
   = I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt

"I do help around the house"
   = I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing"
   = And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon

"I can't find it"
   = It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless

"What did I do this time?"
   = What did you catch me at?

"She's one of those rabid feminists"
   = She refused to make my coffee

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car"
   = You may actually get it to start

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys"
   = I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest
      pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions

"I heard you"
   = I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately
      that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me

"You know I could never love anyone else"
   = I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse

"I brought you a present"
   = It was free ice scraper night at the ball game

"I missed you"
   = I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of 
      toilet paper

"I'm not lost.  I know exactly where we are"
   = No one will ever see us alive again

"We share the housework"
   = I make the messes, she cleans them up

"This relationship is getting too serious"
   = I like you more than my truck

"I recycle"
   = We could pay the rent with the money from my empties

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful"
   = Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?

"It sure snowed last night"
   = I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now

"It's good beer"
   = It was on sale

"I don't need to read the instructions"
   = I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later"
   = If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant"
   = Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window

"I broke up with her"
   = She dumped me
    
While shopping:

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
   = You just bought new clothes 3 years ago

"But I hate to go shopping"
   = Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse

"Yes, that one's nice"
   = Why do you ask when you aren't going to listen anyway?
     
"That one looks great on you"
   = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
     
"I like that one better."
   = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
     
"Uh huh"
   = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
     
"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"
   = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

 "You look terrific."
   = Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit.  I'm starving    

"I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together."
   = I am gay.
     
"It makes you look fat"
   = I'm really stupid!