Dictionary of Performance Evaluation Comments

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in 
all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps
cranking out.

A keen analyst:  Thoroughly confused.
Accepts new job assignments willingly:  Never finishes a job.
Active socially:  Drinks heavily.
Alert to company developments:  An office gossip.
Approaches difficult problems with logic:  Finds someone else to do the
   job.
Average:  Not too bright.
Bridge builder:  Likes to compromise.
Character above reproach:  Still one step ahead of the law.
Charismatic:  No interest in any opinion but his own.
Competent:  Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
Conscientious and careful:  Scared.
Consults with co-workers often:  Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
Consults with supervisor often:  Pain in the ass.
Delegates responsibility effectively:  Passes the buck well.
Demonstrates qualities of leadership:  Has a loud voice.
Deserves promotion:  Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.
Displays excellent intuitive judgement:  Knows when to disappear.
Displays great dexterity and agility:  Dodges and evades superiors well.
Doesn't suffer fools gladly:  Rude and abrasive.
Enjoys job:  Needs more to do.
Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations:  Ignores
   everyone.
Excels in the effective application of skills:  Makes a good cup of 
   coffee.
Exceptionally well qualified:  Has committed no major blunders to date.
Expresses self well:  Can string two sentences together.
Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike:  A
   coward.
Happy:  Paid too much.
Hard worker:  Usually does it the hard way.
Ideas don't last long in some heads because they can't stand solitary
   confinement.
Identifies major management problems:  Complains a lot.
Indifferent to instruction:  Knows more than superiors.
Internationally know:  Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las
   Vegas.
Is well informed:  Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons
   are kept.
Inspires the cooperation of others:  Gets everyone else to do the work.
Is unusually loyal:  Wanted by no-one else.
Judgement is usually sound:  Lucky.
Keen sense of humor:  Knows lots of dirty jokes.
Keep stress out of your life.  Give it to others instead.
Keeps informed on business issues:  Subscribes to Playboy and National
   Enquirer.
Listens well:  Has no ideas of his own.
Maintains a high degree of participation:  Comes to work on time.
Maintains professional attitude:  A snob.
Meticulous in attention to detail:  A nitpicker.
Mover and shaker:  Favors steamroller tactics without regard for other
   opinions.
Not a desk person:  Did not go to college.
Of great value to the organization:  Turns in work on time.
Use all available resources:  Takes office supplies home for personal
   use.
Quick thinking:  Offers plausible excuses for errors.
Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment:  Lazy and hard-headed.
Should go far:  Please.
Slightly below average:  Stupid.
Spends extra hours on the job:  Miserable home life.
Stern disciplinarian:  A real jerk.
Straightforward:  Blunt and insensitive.
Strong adherence to principles:  Stubborn.
Tactful in dealing with superiors:  Knows when to keep mouth shut.
Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress:  Buys drinks for
   superiors.
Takes pride in work:  Conceited.
Unlimited potential:  Will stick with us until retirement.
Uses resources well:  Delegates everything.
Uses time effectively:  Clock watcher.
Very creative:  Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
Visionary:  Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a
   week.
Well organized:  Does too much busywork.
Will go far:  Relative of management.
Willing to take calculated risks:  Doesn't mind spending someone else's
   money.
Zealous attitude:  Opinionated.