A WOMAN’S 50 RULES FOR MEN

Call.

Don’t lie.

Never tape any of her body parts together.

If guys’ night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.

If guys’ night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.

The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever, "Yes."

Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"

Victoria’s Secret is good. Frederick’s of Hollywood is bad.

Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.

Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.

"Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag," "Lard-ass" and "Bitch" are bad.

Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.

A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.

None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.

Her cooking is excellent.

That isn’t an excuse for you to avoid cooking.

Dish soap is your friend.

Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.

Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.

Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.

Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"

Two words: clean socks.

Believe it or not, you’re probably not more attractive when you’re drunk.

Burping is not sexy.

You’re wrong.

You’re sorry.

She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.

Ditto for your discourse on football.

Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.

"Will you marry me?" is good. "Let’s shack up together" is bad.

Don’t assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.

Don’t assume PMS doesn’t exist.

No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.

"But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don’t clean plaque with your tongue.

Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.

Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.

Pick her up at the airport. Don’t whine about it, just do it.

If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don’t act like complete jerk until she does it for you.

Don’t tell her you love her if you don’t.

Tell her you love her if you do. Often.

Always, always suck up to her brother.

Think boxers.

Silk boxers.

Remember Valentine’s Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.

Don’t try to change the way she dresses.

Her haircut is never bad.

Don’t let your friends pick on her.

Call.

Don’t lie.

The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn’t fair either, and it balances everything.

A MAN’S 25 RULES FOR WOMEN:

Sports Center starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.

Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.

Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than The Gap, J. Crew or the local Eddy Bauer store’s.

If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?

Butthead is the smart one.

Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?

You probably don’t want to know what we’re thinking about.

Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."

Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.

Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.

Socks never constitute a gift.

Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.

We don’t know anything about handbags. Don’t even ask.

We did water the plants. They died anyway.
Nobody knows why this happens.

Even if you think he’s cute, Kevin Costner can’t act.

Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."

Curley is the bald one.

Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.

Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.

It’s in neither your interest nor mine to take the Quiz together.

Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don’t expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolfe or your mother are up to.

Sex on a week night is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.

Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present.
Two tickets to a ball game are even better.

No, you can’t have the remote control.

If you must take us with you into Victoria’s Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.

Quote of the Day:
Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
--Mark Twain


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Last Updated: February 14, 1997
Rich Chin, All Rights Reserved