Episode Guide for Season #3 of "Mad About You"
for the Usenet newsgroup alt.tv.mad-about-you
Archive-name: tv/mad-about-you/season3
Posting-frequency: quarterly
Last-modified: 97-12-05
Version: 6.0
This Episode Guide for the TV Comedy show "Mad About You" is,
as a collection of information,
Copyright (c) 1994-1997 by Ramaswamy [ramax@ultranet.com].
All Rights Reserved.
This document may be freely distributed in electronic form for
personal use only, provided it is distributed in its entirety
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Distribution by any other means must be by permission of the
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The Third Season
Special Note:
A clip-show was produced at the end of season #3 [3.23 above] but
not telecast by NBC until after the second episode of season #4.
Given that this episode was produced by the crew of season #3,
it is being listed here, after the season #3 finale [3.22].
Telecasts in Syndication:
As of September 1996, episodes from this season are being aired
in syndication in North America, with approximately 1 minute of
content snipped from the original telecasts in 1994-95. Check
your local TV listings for station, days and times of telecast.
An online guide is available to US viewers in select TV markets
at http://www.tmstv.com/cgi-bin/quest/search (search "shows").
Paul Buchman . . . . . . . . . . . . Paul Reiser
Jamie Buchman . . . . . . . . . . . Helen Hunt
Lisa Stemple . . . . . . . . . . . . Anne Ramsay
Fran Devanow . . . . . . . . . . . . Leila Kenzle
Ira Buchman . . . . . . . . . . . . John Pankow
Murray . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Maui
Mark Devanow . . . . . . . . . . . . Richard Kind
Burt Buchman, Paul's father . . . . Louis Zorich
Sylvia Buchman, Paul's mother . . . Cynthia Harris
Debbie, Paul's sister . . . . . . . Robin Bartlett
Gus Stemple, Jamie's father . . . . John Karlen
Theresa Stemple, Jamie's mother . . Penny Fuller
Aunt Lolly, Jamie's aunt . . . . . . Meg Wyllie
Maggie Conway, neighbour in 11-C . . Judy Geeson
Hal Conway, Maggie's husband . . . . Jim Piddock
Ursula, waitress at Riff's . . . . . Lisa Kudrow
Bill Wicker, the super . . . . . . . Jerry Adler
Kim, the grocer . . . . . . . . . . Ping Wu
Remy, Paul's assistant . . . . . . . Marva Hicks
Sid Novak, Paul's editor . . . . . . George O. Petrie
Alan Tofsky, Jamie's ex-boyfriend . Eric Stoltz
Susannah Gould, Jamie's class-mate . Anne Bobby
The last weekend of a hot New York summer finds Paul and Jamie
borrowing Fran's car to drive down to the Jersey shore for a taste
of fried clams, trying to recall the name of a favorite restaurant.
Written by: Danny Jacobson and Jeffrey Lane
Directed by: David Steinberg
Tease: Paul reading over Jamie's shoulder.
Tag: Eating Jamie's clams, not Paul's calamari.
Expression: "Clamenza!"
Keys:
"Mr. Science" all summer, the best possible use of the
fridge, Fran's job, Sylvia's radar, Ira's thing in the
mail, Lisa's mailman, name that restaurant (Boyd's?),
Murray being towed, Paul getting locked in.
- Sylvia: "So, when do you start school?"
Jamie: "Oh, 10 days.. probably going to study
corporate finance."
Sylvia: "You know what name I like? Barbara, if it's a girl."
Jamie: "If what's a girl?"
Paul: "Leave her alone, Ma!"
- Jamie: "Honey, don't worry, the locksmith'll be here any minute.
[to Ursula] He's been suffocating. You don't have a hanger
or something?"
Ursula: [rushing off] "We have a coat rack!"
Supporting Cast: Sylvia and Ursula.
The War of the Buchmans and the Conways is fully engaged as rumors
fly about the apartment building going co-op. Meanwhile Murray and
Sophie find true love and then some more.
Written by: Jack Burditt
Directed by: David Steinberg
Tease: Hmming and watching TV from the couch.
Tag: Sylvia cooing over her grandpuppy.
Word: Whom.
Keys:
The complaint, the juicer and the hair-dryer, hot showers
and toilet flushes, the sconeheads or guv'nors, the slanty
floor revisited, home or a sunny, roomy, air-conditioned
apartment, Fran's new hair, the deliciously depressing
"Choclat Noye Bechenye."
Appearance of the second actor to play Hal Conway.
- Jamie: "Who says they're going co-op?"
Paul: "I heard, I heard it around the building."
Jamie: "From whom? We never talk to anyone."
Paul: "What's it with you and this 'whom' thing?"
Jamie: "You talk your way, I'll talk right!"
Supporting Cast: Sylvia, Maggie and Mr. Wicker.
Guest Character:
Hal Conway . . . . . . . . . . . . Jim Piddock
Paul's idea for the final resting place for the ashes of Jamie's
uncle Van takes the Buchmans to Belmont, where Lisa pays admission
for her uncle, Ira has a relapse and Jamie backs a long shot named
About-To-Be-Glue to win big.
Written by: Danny Jacobson
Directed by: David Steinberg
Tease: What's thunder?
Tag: Ira and Maurice comparing levels of stupidity,
and Uncle Van resting in peace.
Keys:
Attack on the killer pantyhose, Thanksgiving turkey story,
Salisbury steak vs. hamburger, the eulogy, Lisa in plaid,
Ira at GA, Uncle Van in an urn, sitting with Maurice,
the sixth horse at 50-1.
- Jamie: "You know Uncle Van was crazy about you from the moment
he met you."
Paul: "Of course Uncle Van was crazy about me. He needed a
partner in crime. Y'know, without me, he'd never have got
those golf balls into your mother's turkey!
That was like a classic Van moment."
Jamie: "I wish you'd tell that story."
Paul: "All right, it was Thanksgiving and we were all
sitting around the table--"
Jamie: "Not here, at the service."
- Patron #1: "Did you hear about Salisbury Steak?"
Patron #2: "I heard! Where'd you hear it? From Tommy?"
Patron #1: "Nah! Tommy's out! There's a new guy!"
Guest Characters:
Maurice . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ernie Sabella
Mike, at Gamblers Anonymous . . . . Dana Lee
Tommy's friend . . . . . . . . . . Mario Ruccuzzo
Racetrack patrons . . . . . . . . . Al Berry, Bill P. Murry,
Danny Mora, Bill Saluga
As himself . . . . . . . . . . . . The Voice
The Wickers have a big fight and Mr. Wicker moves in with the
Buchmans. Meanwhile Jamie finally succumbs to an eye exam, but
can't decide between glasses and contact lenses.
Written by: Victor Levin
Directed by: David Steinberg
Tag: Paul reading made-up Dickens to Murray.
Word: Fishbroker (fishmonger!)
Expression: "Ech! Ech! Ech!"
Keys:
The 39" armoire, magical fire-escape, $20 vertical tip
in a sock, celery story, taping the wrong show, contacts vs.
glasses on a trapezoidal face, the wink, cocoa with nutmeg
in bed.
- Jamie: "Hey! Is it in?"
Paul: "Ah, not so much. The trick is not to close your eye
until after."
Jamie: "I understand, but it's coming right at me.."
Paul: "Don't look at it!"
Jamie: "That's why I close my eye!"
- Mr. Wicker: "Goodbye, Buchmans!"
Buchmans: "Goodbye, Wickers!"
Supporting Cast: Maggie and Mr. Wicker.
Guest Characters:
Claire Wicker . . . . . . . . . . . Anita Gillette
The salesgirl . . . . . . . . . . . Kristen Cloke
The optician . . . . . . . . . . . Tony Edwards
Buchman's Sporting Goods store has its annual midnight sale and
in arranging an appearance by a former Yankee player, Jamie gets
her PR juices flowing. But Paul is left feeling uncomfortable,
for more reasons than one.
Story by: Jeffrey Lane and Steve Paymer
Teleplay by: Jeffrey Lane
Directed by: David Steinberg
Tease: Paul being helped out by call screening.
Tag: A very tired Fran not being impressed by
Sloopy Dunbar's baseball impersonations.
Expression: "How?"
Keys:
Jamie striking back at The Empire, Harvey Keitel's appendage,
Paul's next job, Burt's TV ad, Jamie's new career, Ira
the heir, a lot about floss, 20-year old sneakers,
going out with a bang, '64 Series memories.
- Paul: "If you know so much, tell me when is this guy ever going
to call me back?"
Jamie: "He will." [the phone rings, she looks at him]
Paul: "Oh, stop it!"
- Burt: "You know what? I love these sneakers! I can't even tell
I'm walking. I was in the stockroom, now I am here!
All I remember are shelves going by!"
- Sylvia: "You're retiring. Why is it so hard to say?"
Burt: "Who says it's hard to say? I'm retiring, there! Maybe."
Paul: "Are you serious?"
Burt: "We think it's time, and I agree."
- Paul: "Yes, I'm angry at my father, but I can't talk
to my father! I only know how to talk to you!"
Supporting Cast: Burt and Sylvia.
Guest Characters:
Sloopy Dunbar . . . . . . . . . . Charles Hallahan
Man looking for fishing rod . . . Michael Tomlinson
Woman shopping for golf clubs . . Wendy Kamenoff
Jamie works around Paul's opposition to having a TV in their
bedroom and hot-wires an additional cable outlet with Fran's
help. The inevitable, farcical complications lead ultimately
to a citywide blackout.
Written by: Victor Fresco
Directed by: David Steinberg
Tease: Still looking for the TV remote.
Tag: Al Roker reporting a newsflash in place of Tom Brokaw,
who's stuck in an elevator.
Keys:
A '$50' tip, the Andy Griffith Show, the client: it's just
Ira, on faucets, sockets and outlets, stealing airwaves,
the blue channel, comparing yellow hues, a crashed disk or
maybe a coaster, spirited defence of who can't stop smiling.
- Paul: "Listen, you may know you better than me, and you may even
know me better than me, but I know us better than you and
I'm telling you -- it's a bad idea!"
- Jamie: "Nobody's right and nobody's wrong!
[pause] I'm a little bit more right!"
Supporting Cast: Ursula, Maggie, Hal and Mr. Wicker.
Guest Characters:
Neighbor . . . . . . . . . . . . Liz Georges
Her daughter . . . . . . . . . . Erin Trimble
Actor on Soap Opera . . . . . . . Brian Jensen
Cable repairman . . . . . . . . . Kevin M. Richardson
Angry Neighbors . . . . . . . . . Pat Crawford,
Stan Sellers
As himself . . . . . . . . . . . Al Roker
Fran's Birthday party is the setting for Jamie's unexpected
encounter with an ex-boyfriend, and the saga of who dumped
whom dominates her evening. The cab-ride home provides
two interlocking perspectives of the evening's events.
Written by: Liz Coe
Directed by: David Steinberg
Tease: Silence in the cab: Paul contemplating the
lost shot at an NBC mini-series.
Tag: Silence in the cab: Jamie contemplating the
dinner engagement the following week.
Alternate Tag: Paul and Jamie clarifying the Zest story,
to the cabbie's appreciative laughter.
Alternate Tag: Paul describing his meeting with Alan and
the invitation to dinner the following week.
(syndication only)
Expression: "How could I know?"
Keys:
Flat hair and bunching waiters, the fork in time,
thank-you notes and the Zest story, the versatile lemon,
Paul the chiropractor and a crackling neck, Alan and his
tea, Rigoletto with elephants, the other woman, all about
fish, party parting signals, waffles (not a muffin) at 7AM,
and one more cookie (not Tums). A Mark sighting.
The debut of Alan Tofsky.
- Jamie: "It was really nice to see you!"
Alan: "You too!"
Jamie: "And I did!"
- Lisa: "Scrod?"
Paul: "Royally!"
- Fran: "Please don't put down my food!"
Guest Characters:
Alan Tofsky . . . . . . . . . . . Eric Stoltz
Carol, of NBC . . . . . . . . . . Wendie Malick
Tracy, the model . . . . . . . . . Senait
Doris and her husband (Bob) . . . Judith Hoag,
Vince Grant
Cabbie . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Joe Flood
"But this is Pennsylvania!" Man . Tyrees Allen
Jamie's perfect Thanksgiving feast involves a buffet for ten,
and five turkeys, thanks to Murray and the extremely friendly
neighborhood grocer Kim.
Story by: Jeffrey Klarik and Billy Grundfest
Teleplay by: Jeffrey Klarik
Directed by: David Steinberg
Tease: Waking up to a turkey break at 5:25 AM.
Tag: Aunt Lolly talking to her friend Lucille about the
Stemples and Buchmans, and trying to figure out
whose aunt she is.
Expression: "It's a fact!"
Keys:
The first Buchman Thanksgiving, peeling potatoes and
making ice, rationed marsh-mallows and extra water-chestnuts,
sharing smoke with the city, alphabetic thanksgiving (A-V),
clanging pipes and redoing the bedroom, missile of Turkey,
Sylvia's mother-in-law, Sylvia the mother-in-law.
Appearance of second pair of actors to play the Stemples.
Appearance of the second actor to play Kim.
The debut of Aunt Lolly.
- Fran: "I've been here *minutes*!"
Paul: "Listen! I've been with 'em years, trust me,
it gets worse!"
- Lisa: "I'm thankful I've therapy tomorrow."
- Paul: "We're adults!"
Jamie: "I-KNOW!"
Kim's triples:
Doilies, acorn squash, and dental floss.
Water, cold, and time.
Votive candles, Lemon Pledge, and chocolate macaroons.
Tweezers, pretzel nuggets, and a nice block of halvah.
Smoked, not smoked, stuffed, not stuffed,
garnished, not garnished.
Butterball, not Butterball, organic, not organic,
free range, range restricted.
On the house!
Paul's triple:
No clam-dip, no light-bulbs, no margarine.
Supporting Cast: Burt, Sylvia and Aunt Lolly.
Guest Characters:
Gus Stemple, Jamie's father . . . John Karlen
Theresa Stemple, Jamie's mother . Penny Fuller
Kim, the grocer . . . . . . . . . Ping Wu
Aunt Lolly . . . . . . . . . . . Meg Wyllie
Neighbor in 12-D . . . . . . . . . Herself
As the Buchmans' sex-life waxes and wanes, Lisa snags a pair
of free dinners, Fran loses a window office and Ira acquires
a silent partner.
Story by: Victor Levin and Dan Greenberg
Teleplay by: Victor Levin
Directed by: David Steinberg
Tease: Two ways of getting a bagel.
Tag: Two losers settling accounts with Lisa.
Expression: "It happens!"
Keys:
Meatloaf and sex, Aruba escapades, Buchman bucks, taking
back a conversation, hanging up on Fran, a six-week diet,
attractive vs. sexy, to the closet of last resort (not the
kitchen table) with Pedro.
The debut of Sid Novak.
- Paul: "Let's just go back to basics."
Jamie: "Arousal!"
Paul: "Arousal! ... ... ... arouse me!"
Supporting Cast: Ursula.
Guest Characters:
Sid Novak, Paul's editor . . . . . George O. Petrie
Manny Gantz (Ganz) . . . . . . . . Jack Shearer
A bad day in the Big Apple leaves Jamie unwilling to go out to see
a feel-good movie, but Paul talks her into an evening out, if only
to meet Ira's new girlfriend.
Written by: Paul Reiser
Directed by: David Steinberg
Tease: A typical dinner invitation from Sylvia.
Tag: On cabbies and clean streets from Hizzoner.
Words: Pedagogue, obstructed.
Keys:
Paul's grant, Jamie's gripes, the mother of all dictionaries,
leftside/rightside, muffin and Sprite, buying and selling
tickets, a punch in the nose, veal on the sidewalk,
a private screening, Riff's without Ursula.
- Projectionist: "Nice night!"
Paul: "Maybe for you, not so much for us."
Jamie: "All...right, take it easy, honey!
We're out of muffins."
Guest Characters:
Velma . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Marita Geraghty
Cabbie . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Iqbal Theba
Cab-crasher . . . . . . . . . . . Allan Wasserman
Man in the line . . . . . . . . . Kelly Perine
Elderly patron . . . . . . . . . . Bibi Osterwald
Woman in theatre . . . . . . . . . June Gable
Man in wheel-chair . . . . . . . . Richard Robert Redlin
The Projectionist . . . . . . . . George D. Wallace
As himself . . . . . . . . . . . . Rudolph Guiliani
Paul is one of six documentary filmmakers selected by PBS to turn
the camera on themselves for 15 minutes, and in his case, it turns
into.. well, see for yourself why the cast unanimously selected this
as a top-5 favorite episode!
Written by: Jack Burditt
Directed by: Thomas Schlamme
Tag: Getting back to being themselves on camera.
Keys:
Yelling Chicken a-la-King and fetching with Murray,
stealing Paperwhites and reading Scientific American
(at arm's length), tearing an insert, hiring a wife,
a Mowa and coffee filters, bikes 'n' things and the
ants of New York, a cig, a tattoo and the dark side,
Lisa's tour de force, cutting cake to go with ...,
Ira Gershwin or Courtney Love, Uma or Eunice or Karen,
honesty (no matter what).
- Jamie: "I don't need the whole world knowing we're slobs."
Paul: "But we *are* slobs!"
Jamie: "No, you're a slob. I'm just tired."
Paul: "Yes, but it's real!"
Jamie: "All right, fine! You know, it's not like your mother
is going to watch this, see the socks on the bed, and
be here everyday straightening up."
- Jamie: "Why did you yell Chicken a la King at my sister?"
Paul: "I didn't know it was her!"
Jamie: "Why would you yell Chicken a la King at anyone?"
Paul: "I was talking with my foot!"
Supporting Cast: Maggie Conway.
Paul's ideas on how to meet and engage the opposite sex are
tested by Jamie in a hypothetical encounter, while Ira has
a very real encounter with Jamie's friend.
Written by: Jeffrey Lane
Directed by: Thomas Schlamme
Tease: Paul dreaming about Mr. Mooney.
Tag: The Buchmans reviewing "What to do on a Date."
Words: Whom (repeatedly), putz.
Keys:
Having 29 teeth, Chicken a la Poem, mimicking Paul, the name
is Brenda, helping the fate-impaired, Find 'em, Meet 'em,
Make 'em yours, chewing a straw, drinks on a dime,
$1 watcher's tip, the Jodie Foster- Daniel Day Lewis look,
psychic talk (and listen), crazy Pete on the corner, the
looong elevator ride, but mostly about the egg-salad.
The debut of Susannah Gould.
- Paul: "Did you know I was born without a head?"
- Susannah: [rushing in] "You are not gonna believe this. I mean,
only to me, right? I'm on the subway, and I meet this
guy, and he says, 'What do you do?' And I say, 'I got
a band.' And he says, 'You got a band, I got a club.'
I say, 'Get your hand out of my pocket.' Anyway, he
hands me his card, and he's got this really sweet
smile, so I call up the band, and I say, 'Meet me.'
And they meet me, only Derek can't get off work.
So we go up to the club. Club, my ass, it's a roof.
I say, 'It's a roof.' He says, 'It's gonna be a club.'
I say, 'I got a closet, it's gonna be a Baskin Robbins.'
I mean, *why* do these things happen to me?"
Ira: "*Who* are you?"
- Ira: "It's a psychic line!"
Susannah: "Yeah, so?"
Ira: "So you're a psychic now?"
Susannah: "Hmm.. you've just got to talk."
Ira: "Which clearly you can do. [pause] So what did you
talk about?"
Susannah: "Well, most I just listened and gave 'em a little push."
Ira: "How'd you know where to push?"
Susannah: "You listen hard enough, you can hear what someone
wants."
Ira: "Yeah?"
Susannah: "Yeah."
Ira: "So what do I want?"
Susannah: "Something here."
Ira: "Something where?"
Susannah: "Here. This place."
Ira: "What, like the credenza?"
Susannah: "No, not something you can put in your pocket or put
in a U-Haul. No, something they got here that you wish
you had. That's why you've been acting like this.
They mean something to you, I think. [pause]
Either that or you're just a putz."
- Jamie: "What's she like?"
Paul: "My wife? Kinda like you actually, your height,
your hair, your eyes too.."
Jamie: "Sounds perfect."
Paul: "Actually, no! No, not so much perfect. She never
puts the ATM stuff into the check-book, so we're always,
like $60 off--"
Jamie: "Okay, I'm sorry--"
Paul: "Don't DEFEND her! [pause] She sneaks cigarettes behind
my back, like I don't have a nose, and she doesn't tell me
the Film Lab called last night, so I've got to go down in
the middle of my lunch hour. Then she.. I could go on
and on and on.."
Jamie: "Why don't you *say* something?"
Paul: "Why make trouble?"
Supporting Cast: Ursula and Maggie.
Guest Characters:
Susannah Gould . . . . . . . . . . Anne Bobby
Mick, at the bar . . . . . . . . . Eric Lutes
The saga of the three months leading up to Paul and Jamie's wedding,
what with the invitations, the reception menu, the dress fittings,
the band selection, the rehearsal dinner and the remarkable
goings-on of the night before the wedding.
Written by: Danny Jacobson and Jeffrey Klarik
Directed by: David Steinberg
Tease: Cleaning out the freezer section.
Tag: Dancing at the wedding.
Words: Willy-nilly, putz.
Expressions: "What does this say?"
Keys:
The 'Saved By The Bell' fix, sorbet in the ear, a guest-list
under 80, or 12-60-1100, the big typo or an omen, squabble
over squab, gravy boats, Pie or Pi, El Grandes or Executivos,
a Tuxedo over the phone, smoking and binging, on being fat,
the Upstate gig, Color My World, The Alley Cat, or The Hokey
Pokey, the first dance, frozen tulips, zits and toothpaste,
seating arrangements, dress-code for the strip-club, hanging
out with the broads, Inca gifts (ear-rings, necklace or a
piece of cloth) or Jamie's gift (lights, camera, Buchmans),
Debbie's dilemma, Aunt Selma's call, some Con Ed humor on
15th St at Bagel Nosh, two #6 washers and a jackhammer band.
The Wedding song: "What the World needs now is Love,
Sweet Love" (sung by Dionne Warwick).
- Jamie: "How are you holding up?"
Paul: [licking an envelope] "Well, if I had 2 tongues
I'd be the happiest person in the world."
Jamie: [lighting a cigarette] "Second happiest."
- Paul: "It's got a pigeonesque quality."
Sylvia: "What's the difference between this and a pigeon?"
Burt: "Pigeon is on a ledge, this is on a plate."
- Jamie: "Well! Everything's ruined. I need pie."
Paul: "Three point one four."
- Lisa: "I'm going to be your sister-in-law!"
Paul: "Yah! You, Miss Stemple, do you realize that tomorrow,
this time, you'll be, Mrs. Buchman." [they start to kiss]
Lisa: "Just like his mother." [they can't, and stop]
- Jamie: "This is so stupid. What are we doing?"
Paul: "This is so not-what-I-wanted-it-to-be."
Jamie: "I was lying there, trying to picture tomorrow, I
could see the food, I could see the flowers, I could
see our parents. The only thing I couldn't see was us!"
Paul: "Why is there toothpaste on your head?"
- Paul: "Ira told me you marry people."
Lenny: "People marry each other, I just okay it for the State."
- Paul: "All I know is that I want to wake up with you naked
for the rest of my life."
Jamie: "You are a strange.. amazing man."
Paul: "Can I tell you-- that the part of my brain that came up
with this was not alive before I met you."
Advice to Newlyweds:
- Theresa: "Everybody and their mother will be coming up to you
and wanting to give you advice. Pay no attention."
- The Mailman: "Wear comfortable shoes."
- Debbie: "Pick up the (half-pound of smoked) turkey."
- Fran: "Men say a lot of things, only listen to a third
of it."
- Mark: "Women need constant attention. Just talk to her,
it doesn't matter what you say! Two-thirds of what
I say to Fran, I don't know what the hell I'm
talking about."
- Aunt Lolly: "Never get a dog."
Supporting Cast: Mark Devanow, Sylvia and Burt, Debbie,
Theresa and Gus, Aunt Lolly and Remy.
Guest Characters:
Lenny, the renaissance man . . . . Lyle Lovett
The Postal worker . . . . . . . . Patrick Cronin
Hillary, the caterer . . . . . . . Jane Carr
Saul, the dressmaker . . . . . . . Ralph Lanza
Antonio, the tailor . . . . . . . Vito Scotti
Vicky, the dancer . . . . . . . . Kirsten Holmquist
The tale of Murray's show-biz career, spawned by a walk-on
appearance in a commercial directed by Paul, advanced by an
eager agent, leading all the way to an audition for a series.
Written by: Andrew Gordon and Eileen Conn
Directed by: Thomas Schlamme
Tease: Paul trying on Jamie's beret. ("Wrong!")
Tag: Paul dreaming the dream, and enjoying it.
Word: Ruminating.
Keys:
Looking for the loupe, Yum Yum gum, why one hates being
single (or not), keeping warm in suede, humming, having an
agent with 3 words, firing an assistant, seeing in black
and white, but dreaming in color, doing one's own barking,
then a rock video, then playing cujo, shaking tails, lack
of synchrony at the sink.
- Jamie: "He's bored."
Paul: "He's Murray!"
Jamie: "I would think you'd want a little more for him
than that."
Paul: "Okay, just tell me now, how long until you drop it?"
Jamie: "3 to 5 days."
Paul: "I'll call Bob!"
Supporting Cast: Maggie and Remy.
Guest Characters:
Bob, the agent . . . . . . . . . . Brent Spiner
The Ad Exec . . . . . . . . . . . Tom Gallop
The Director . . . . . . . . . . . Richard Frank
As himself . . . . . . . . . . . . Jay Leno
As herself . . . . . . . . . . . . Rachel Hunter
Paul finds it very difficult to deal with the considerable ego of
a legendary TV star, until help arrives in the form of a tip from
a surprising quarter.
Written by: Kenny Schwartz
Directed by: Gordon Hunt
Tease: Competing at really-love-you's.
Tag: Choreographing a funny entrace a la
"The Dick Van Dyke Show," but not quite.
Expression: "Oh, Paul!"
Keys:
Charades, Bridge Over Troubled Water, pineapples, mom and
daughters: back and forth, the big surprise, Aunt Lolly too,
the Catskill escapades, the truth about Uncle Miltie, Sid's
disguise, business first, dinner later, the switch to Sid
the pantomime narrator.
- Jamie: "So what's he like?"
Paul: "He's like him, but in color."
- Paul: "You're going to wear that?"
Jamie: "Paul!"
Paul: "What? [as Jamie mimes] Two words ...
First word ... sounds like.. duck!
Second word ... [Jamie flicks the switch] off!"
- Lolly: "Oh that Alan, was he cute! And young - I liked
'em young."
Paul: "WOW!"
Lolly: "Wow nothing. He was just like his act. Six minutes
of great material, with no finish." [long pause]
Shea: "That's just a bit more than I needed to know."
Supporting Cast: Theresa Cooper Stemple, Aunt Lolly and Sid.
Guest Characters:
Alan Brady . . . . . . . . . . . . Carl Reiner
Mrs. Brady (in segment) . . . . . Alix Elias
Maurice, the maitre d' . . . . . . William Utay
Jamie goes up to Connecticut to keep her dad company, and the
home-alone Paul gets quite giddy being Lord of the Manor.
Written by: Billy Grundfest
Directed by: Michael Lembeck
Tag: Mass escape in the dead of night.
Keys:
Missing a basket, French's vs. Poupon, harmonizing with the
fridge (humming?), calling the guys (Zucker?), Ira's date,
Fran's shower, Lisa's lunch, pet ferret, pickup, delivery
and another pickup, Brits at the Opera, warm, hot and cold
(malaria?), the major collapse.
- Paul: "Milk! Perfect example of things that are mine!
[drinks from the carton]
See that? Virtually empty, yet I put it right back."
- Jamie: "You want me to come home?"
Paul: "No, no, no! Hey, everything's under control."
Jamie: "I'll talk to you in 5 minutes."
- Lisa: "I was just in the neighborhood and thought
I'd bring you some lunch."
Paul: "Did Jamie say to do that?"
Lisa: "No."
Paul: "She tell you to say no?"
Lisa: "Yes."
- Lisa: "Great! I've got 14 things and 3 holes. What do I do?"
Ira: "Join the circus."
Supporting Cast: Maggie, Hal and Mr. Wicker.
Guest Characters:
Sister Dorothea . . . . . . . . . Debra Mooney
Drycleaning pickup man . . . . . . Carlos Ferro
Meat of the Month Club man . . . . Bill Ingram
Sisters of Charity Mover . . . . . Andrew Craig
Man bidding on the bed . . . . . . Tony Edwards
Paul's Canadian adventure gets off to a bad start, Jamie's pitch
to a client does likewise, while Lisa's day is smooth sailing after
she accidentally snags her sister's purse and more. Lisa's shrink
makes an appearance (and a writer).
Written by: Andrew Gordon and Eileen Conn
Directed by: Michael Lembeck
Tease: Paul dealing with the loss of his hair.
Tag: Lisa dealing with an excavation of her purse.
Word: Lolly-gagging.
Expression: "Oh, you must be Jamie!"
Keys:
Dog sledding in Whitehorse (for ESPN2), Print campaign
or Radio spots, missing passport, packing in the parka,
Yukon gloves or a newspaper, Mitten-Boy pointing at
Teamsters, PMS and a stun-gun, a trail of pistachios,
the glass jar, panhandling the shrink (or her patient),
tissue or another newspaper, pre-goodbye in the subway
carriage, a Canadian waiver at Edmonton,
The Return of Midnight Express [1.3].
- Jamie: "We'll find her.."
Paul: "We don't even know which way she went! Look at this,
look at this, pistachio shells. Still moist!"
Jamie: "Come on, follow them."
Paul: "It's like Hansel and Gretel, but with nuts!"
- Jamie: "Hey,hey,hey! Maybe you can borrow Ira's passport."
Paul: "Now, there's a bad idea!"
Jamie: "Why?"
Paul: "Because, dopey, I'll end up in jail!"
Jamie: "So what? It's Canada. They're *nice*!"
Paul: "Not in jails! Never heard stories of Canadian jails?
[pause] they're the worst jails of all jails."
Jamie: "What stories?"
Paul: "I've heard stories..."
Jamie: "Okay, give me *one* story."
Paul: "Remember Midnight Express?"
Jamie: "That was Turkey, and they were smuggling drugs!"
Paul: "Not originally. They changed it, for the movies."
- Lisa: [opening a box and extracting a black pantyhose]
"Hey! This is not my purse!"
- Paul: "Why do I smell toast?"
Guest Characters:
Dr. Wallach . . . . . . . . . . . Nancy Lenehan
Salesgirl at Klarik's . . . . . . Clea Lewis
Mr. Howard, of Klarik's . . . . . John O'Leary
Mr. Boniello, the client . . . . . Pierre Gonneau
Man at the airport . . . . . . . . Michael Leopard
Dr. Wallach's patient . . . . . . Andrew Gordon
Sylvia Buchman decides Paradise is not for her, so Paul and Jamie
use his parents' non-refundable package for a holiday in the
Caribbean, telling tall tales in multiple languages.
Written by: Rick Wiener
Directed by: Michael Lembeck
Tease: Naming the eight planets.
Tag: Dancing to the calypso beat.
Expression: "Splink! Splink!"
Keys:
The Road to Dullsville, or Boringtown, or Rutland, or
Yawnburg, or Mt. Otony, on being Paul's mother for 5 days,
8 beads = $35, Pop-Up TV, tide schedule, Jamie's glasses,
the Kate Hepburn look, #45 screen, French finals, looking
for Mister Guy, no-see-em-bugs, at the Peace Talks (the
same story since time began), the contest on the boardwalk,
the hammock toss, smoking in the Secret Service, Guava and
Papaya juice, attack on the speaker, if not by boat then
by air, The Return of Don Ho and Alfred Hitchcock, but not
Martin Scorsese [1.4].
- Paul: [sitting down] "Yaaaarghhhhhhhhh!!"
Jamie: "What's the matter?"
Paul: "I'm supposed to be my father. You sit, you announce it!"
- Jamie: "I'm really tired of being your parents."
Paul: "Well, we already left ourselves behind,
so who else have you got?"
- Waiter: "Et Monsieur?"
Paul: "Yah-- I'm going to have a [looks at the menu] a Reuben.
And the fries of your people."
- Louise: "I'm Louise, this is Ron."
Paul: "Hi, I'm Paul and this is my wife--"
Jamie: [cuts in] "Simone! Bonjour!"
Louise: "I - love - your - accent!"
Simone: "Sank you! And I love yours!" [Paul looks amused]
Louise: [gushing] "Oh, you speak English!"
Simone: "A leettle.."
Paul: "Listen, we're not--"
Simone: [cuts in] "--very comfortable with ze English."
Louise: "Oh no, no! You're doing just fine."
Paul: "We're not French!"
Simone: "No, just me! My husband is a.. dip-lo-mat."
Louise: [gushing] "Oh, really? That's so interesting!"
[Paul is beginning to look not so amused]
Simone: [aside to Paul] "More interesting than the ride
on the burro, no?"
Louise: "I beg your pardon?"
Simone: "It is an idiom.. I do not know how to say it.."
[hands wave in the air, zee English is so deefficult]
Louise: "How did you two meet?"
[Note: You'll just have to *see* the rest of it!]
- Paul: "I wouldn't say I invented it, but I said
to Lipton: you've got a cup, you've got noodles,
you do the math!"
- Jamie: "What's-her-name heard us telling people stuff,
so I had to say *something*!"
Paul: "So that's what you came up with? That we are crazy?"
Jamie: "No, just-you."
Guest Characters:
Trish Dawson . . . . . . . . . . . Caroline Aaron
Sam and Fritzi Frank . . . . . . . John C. Moskoff,
Annie Korzen
The Waiter . . . . . . . . . . . . Dominic Hoffman
Louise . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pamela Dunlap
The neighbor at the hammock . . . Gregg Daniel
The Bowling enthusiast . . . . . . William Mesnick
Boat rental agent . . . . . . . . Mark Tymchyshyn
Mr. Shapiro . . . . . . . . . . . Michael Lembeck
Marianne returns from Luxembourg, sans her husband, but with
"more money than Canada," eager to finance Ira's new catalog
business with an interest-free loan, but his silent partner
finds voice to veto the deal.
Written by: Victor Fresco
Directed by: Michael Lembeck
Tease: Paul overhearing Jamie and Susannah.
Tag: Jamie trying on a different tiara.
Words: Ensnarement, obsequious, coups.
Expression: "Means to an end."
Keys:
Dual conversation, double headache, Duvalier the
photographer, Ira's catalog and Ira's towels, becoming
an 800 number, Boston cream-pie or a cake, Monaco or
Luxembourg, the Contessa's stuff, bejeweled tiara and
Knicks' tickets, Paul's Citizen Kane (only taller),
eyelash in egg-salad, spilling milk on Matty Escobar,
the Count's koops, Paul's move.
- Susannah: "Oh Jamie, I got those psych notes you wanted!
[pulls her aside, breathlessly] He bought towels!"
Jamie: "I heard!"
Susannah: "Wait! Now he is telling people he bought towels?"
Jamie: "Yeah!"
Susannah: "Oh! This is moving way too fast!"
- Jamie: "What do you mean you told him not to go out with me?"
Ira: "What do I know? I met you one time,
you kept showing off your vocabulary!"
Jamie: [to Paul] "You never told me he didn't like me."
Paul: "Because you were so down on him,
I didn't want to fuel the fire."
Ira: "Wait,wait,wait, you didn't like me?"
Jamie: "On first impression, you were a little obsequious."
Ira: "You see! There, you're doing it again!"
[a bit later]
Jamie: [muttering] "Plenty of people use obsequious!"
Supporting Cast: Sid and Susannah.
Guest Characters:
Marianne Lugasso . . . . . . . . . Cyndi Lauper
Boston Celtics Fan . . . . . . . . E. J. Callahan
As Himself . . . . . . . . . . . . Patrick Ewing
The saga of Paul's birthdays since meeting Jamie, going back and
then forth, recounting the disasters and the strange tale of a
bottle of Grandfather port.
Written by: Jeffrey Lane
Directed by: Michael Lembeck
Tease: Jamie checking that Paul has the tickets.
Tag: Ambulance racing to the ER.
Keys:
Checking off impending disasters, practicing for a new one,
down memory lane, or a wishing well, Roscoe the cat (but
no canary), Lisa's 7 pills, Fran's party, Sid from Minsk,
looking like Errol Flynn, being a French word, Freckles'
port, figuring it out (but walking alone), separating the
books - Ivanhoe, Girls of James Bond, Cujo - solid cake,
Charade and The Silence of the Lambs, face in the cake,
or cat on the head.
- Paul: "You want to know what I was thinking about?"
Jamie: "I just want to know whose copy of Cujo this is!"
Paul: "All right! I'm going to tell you what I was thinking
about, the whole time I'm out there. I'm walking along and
I'm looking back at the year and I'm going 'Hey! Remember
this? Hey! Remember that?' and I see all these people,
they're looking at me because I'm talking to myself but
they don't know I'm talking to *you*! And all of a sudden,
I realize I've figured it out -- I now have somebody else
to walk with, for the rest of my life. That's what I was
thinking about.. But you know what? You're right, you're
right, it's my birthday, I don't have to discuss it if I
don't want to. [walks over to the dining table]
I'm going to have cake." [He chops off a slice]
Paul: [a considerable time later, with 2 mugs of port]
"To the future!" [their fingers rub]
Supporting Cast: Maggie, Aunt Lolly, Sid and Susannah.
Jamie is obliged to work on an advertising campaign with her
ex-boyfriend Alan, a graphics artist, who has recently published
a comic book about an evil Queen in outer space. But the regal
looks and exploits sound like anything but fiction to Jamie.
Written by: Victor Fresco and Victor Levin
Directed by: Michael Lembeck
Animation by: Sony Imageworks
Tease: Paul being kissed as no man has ever been
kissed before (even the fridge moves).
Tag: Paul explaining the nuances of Queen Talon's
exploits to Sylvia, with Jamie's help.
Expression: "The milk will keep."
Keys:
Shooting the last milkman in New York, pizza on Tuesday
at 5, Ralphy's Diner promotion, a mascot idea: a puppy or
a bald guy, Ken or Paul, Maria the maid, Lisa's guppies,
recognition at school, being out of yogurt, or out of pizza,
MegaVoid, between Alan Alda and Brenda Vaccaro, the saga of
having the last word, the origin of "whom."
- Jamie: "What time do you want me to set
the alarm for tonight?"
Paul: "I've got to be back at the dairy at 6."
Jamie: "How are you going to do this all week?"
Paul: "It's easy. Sleep till dinner and I feel like breakfast.
Then I shoot till sunrise, that feels like twilight.
I come home for breakfast, that feels like dinner.
I watch old Regis, feels like Leno."
Jamie: "And that works?"
Supporting Cast: Hal and Alan.
Guest Characters:
Ralphy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jon Polito
Mikey . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Gareth Williams
Mother of frightened child . . . . April Ortiz
Pizzeria men . . . . . . . . . . . Larry Romano,
Robert Dorfman
Unable to buy her an anniversary present, with or without
everyone else's help, Paul hands Jamie a slip of paper that
reads "this note entitles the bearer to one magical night."
Things take a decidedly unusual turn after that.
Story by: Jeffrey Lane (Part I)
Teleplay by: Andrew Gordon, Eileen Conn and Jeffrey Klarik (Part I)
Story by: Jeffrey Lane (Part II)
Teleplay by: Jack Burditt and Jeffrey Lane (Part II)
Directed by: Michael Lembeck
Words: Umlaut (over the 'e'?), puzzling, schmear.
Keys:
Sylvia's presents - cashmere and flame-retardant, Jamie's
meeting, $10 limit or maybe $20, presents from the heart,
Naegel's tray or glass grapes, antique ink-well or a
weed-wacker, poster of the first movie, the Twilight Room,
party of 6 for 9:07, sconeheads in 11-D (with a steam-room),
a couch named Murray, a cab numbered 9C69, Saturday specials
at Riff's, Jamie as a partner at Farrer, Gantz (with Fran
the assistant), not-so-basic nachos and Rob Roys for 3 bucks
at Scamps, Ira and Jamie, Ira and the Nightcaps, Paul and
Baywatch, and some special effects.
- Ursula: "I'm sorry but the chef says we're all out of the
chicken."
Ira: "That's okay, we didn't order the chicken."
Ursula: [turns away] "All right, I'll try again."
[a bit later]
Ursula: "Okay, you're in luck, I found 2 more chickens."
Ira: "No,no,no, we didn't order a chicken,
we are splitting a club sandwich!"
Ursula: "I'm sorry! There are no substitutions."
- Jamie: [slapping Ira] "What is the matter with you?"
Ira: "What?"
Jamie: "I have to hang that thing in my home!"
Ira: "What's wrong with it?"
Jamie: "She's got a bus in her uterus!"
- Paul: "You think the Gods are up there everyday saying
let's screw with the Buchmans today and see if they pass
the test?"
Jamie: "What test?"
Paul: "The test."
Jamie: "What Gods?"
Paul: "The Gods, the Gods, Zeus and Jicama."
Jamie: "Jicama is the white stuff in salads you don't like."
Paul: "What do I mean?"
Jamie: "Hecuba."
Paul: "Hecuba. Zeus and Hecuba!"
Jamie: "Hecuba wasn't a God. She was the Queen of Troy."
Paul: "You know what? I need a cigarette too!"
Jamie: "Good. Let's buy some.."
[her voice trails off at the discovery]
Supporting Cast: Ursula, Maggie and Hal, Mr. Wicker,
Susannah and Alan.
Guest Characters:
Maitre d' . . . . . . . . . . . . Edward Hibbert
Barking woman . . . . . . . . . . Cady Huffman
Newsdealers . . . . . . . . . . . F. X. Vitolo,
Tony Con-Forti.
A long wait at the bus-stop leaves time for the Buchmans to take a
Cosmo marriage test. A clip show culled from episodes of the first
three seasons that features a full-length rendition of the theme
song ("The Final Frontier") at the end.
Written by: Kenny Schwartz and Rick Weiner
Directed by: Michael Lembeck
Tease: Talking about the seasonality of cantaloupes.
Keys:
A 2-page recipe, ES and BL at the bus-stop,
"Bliss or Blunder? Perfect Mate or Big Mistake?",
numerical confirmation, potassium deficiency,
banana power (never touched).
- Paul: [helping Jamie add up their score] "Carry the one."
The Questions:
- "Do you believe in love at first sight?"
Answer: [1.11].
- "On a scale from 1 to 10, rate your sex life."
Answer: [1.1], [3.9], [2.22], [2.13], 2.2].
- "Would you say you get along all of the time,
some of the time, or none of the time?"
Answer: [2.7], [2.15], [2.20], [3.13], [2.15], [2.7], [2.5].
- "Who would you say really runs your household?"
Answer: [2.2], [2.12], [2.2], [2.20], [2.2], [2.20].
- "Does your spouse still find the little things you do endearing?"
Answer: [2.19], [3.14], [3.9], [2.15], [2.22], [2.3], [2.23].
- "Do you enjoy spending time with your spouse's family?"
Answer: [2.3], [3.13], [1.18], [3.21], [2.20], [3.13].
- "Do you share your fantasies with your spouse?"
Answer: [2.15].
The Final Frontier Montage:
[1.16], [2.4], [2.16], [3.11], [1.15], [2.8], [2.9], [1.16],
[2.1], [3.17], [2.10], [3.16], [3.18], [3.11], [2.7], [2.18],
[2.24], [1.17], [3.10], [1.16], 3.12], [3.18], [2.12], [3.9],
[3.8], [3.22] and [1.16].
Created by: Paul Reiser and Danny Jacobson
Executive Producers: Danny Jacobson, Jeffrey Lane
Co-Executive Producer: Victor Fresco
Consulting Producer: Liz Coe
Creative Consultant: Victor Levin
Producers: Paul Reiser, Bruce Chevillat
Co-Producers: Billy Grundfest, Andrew Gordon, Eileen Conn,
Jeffrey Klarik
Supervising Producer: Marjorie Weitzman
Associate Producer,
then Co-Producer: Craig Knizek
Script Supervisor: Victoria Weisbart
Production Coordinator: Susan Garon-Elliott
Costumes: Audrey Darin, Debi Orrico
Art Direction: Bernard Vyzga
Photography: Mikel Neiers
Editing: Sheila Amos
Sound Mixing: Peter Damski
Writers: Jack Burditt, Liz Coe, Eileen Conn, Victor Fresco,
Andrew Gordon, Dan Greenberg, Billy Grundfest,
Danny Jacobson, Jeffrey Klarik, Jeffrey Lane,
Victor Levin, Kenny Schwartz, Paul Reiser and
Rick Wiener.
Directors: Gordon Hunt, Michael Lembeck, Thomas Schlamme and
David Steinberg.
Please send in comments/corrections to: Ramaswamy [ramax@ultranet.com]